Why is she prepared to settle for toxic crumbs? Is it because she is just so hungry that she will settle for anything?
Until recently I would have said so. Now, having discovered Steven Hayes definition of 'clean pain' and 'dirty pain' I wonder. Hayes, who pioneered Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), makes the telling distinction between 'clean pain', the pain of an actual event, and 'dirty pain', which is the suffering we generate for ourselves inside our own mind.
Bad things happen to everyone. In an abusive relationship you will suffer 'inevitable harm'. And, it is part of the human condition that you always possess the power to heal.
It has been said that we are never tested beyond our capacity to recover. It is a useful belief to hold. (And, in case you find the juxtaposition of 'useful' and 'belief' odd, ask yourself what is wrong with holding a belief that supports you. You might also like to ask yourself what you gain by holding beliefs that sabotage you. They are only beliefs, after all.)
Of course, it doesn't feel like you have the power to heal when you are at rock bottom, because that is when you transition from 'clean' pain to 'dirty' pain. And, let's face it, those of use who have been in an abusive relationship have a talent for getting to rock bottom fast. (We're also good at staying there, if left to our own devices.)
'Dirty' pain starts when we start spinning a 'story' for ourselves, which is another thing we are regrettably good at. Whatever it was that happened to us happened because we are worthless, or unlovable, or stupid, or ugly. It will never get any better because we don't deserve it, or we were born unlucky or... you name it. This is not reality, this is simply a story, our interpretation of our past, present and future. This is 'dirty' pain.
'Dirty' pain is generally harder than 'clean' pain to deal with.
When you 'lose' a partner who has spent months, or years, or even decades devaluing you, the regret you feel can only be 'dirty' pain. Aside from real, practical and financial considerations, 'losing' an abusive partner should be cause for celebration.
It isn't, because the abused partner starts to focus on his occasional good behaviours, in the same way that we in the UK still speak fondly of The Wonderful Summer Of 1976. (Summers since then have largely been disappointing, cold, grey, wet, but, hey, we know that a summer like that can come again, can't it?) That focus on the increasingly rare good times in the relationship is one way of stoking the fires of 'dirty' pain.
Until recently I would have said so. Now, having discovered Steven Hayes definition of 'clean pain' and 'dirty pain' I wonder. Hayes, who pioneered Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), makes the telling distinction between 'clean pain', the pain of an actual event, and 'dirty pain', which is the suffering we generate for ourselves inside our own mind.
Bad things happen to everyone. In an abusive relationship you will suffer 'inevitable harm'. And, it is part of the human condition that you always possess the power to heal.
It has been said that we are never tested beyond our capacity to recover. It is a useful belief to hold. (And, in case you find the juxtaposition of 'useful' and 'belief' odd, ask yourself what is wrong with holding a belief that supports you. You might also like to ask yourself what you gain by holding beliefs that sabotage you. They are only beliefs, after all.)
Of course, it doesn't feel like you have the power to heal when you are at rock bottom, because that is when you transition from 'clean' pain to 'dirty' pain. And, let's face it, those of use who have been in an abusive relationship have a talent for getting to rock bottom fast. (We're also good at staying there, if left to our own devices.)
'Dirty' pain starts when we start spinning a 'story' for ourselves, which is another thing we are regrettably good at. Whatever it was that happened to us happened because we are worthless, or unlovable, or stupid, or ugly. It will never get any better because we don't deserve it, or we were born unlucky or... you name it. This is not reality, this is simply a story, our interpretation of our past, present and future. This is 'dirty' pain.
'Dirty' pain is generally harder than 'clean' pain to deal with.
When you 'lose' a partner who has spent months, or years, or even decades devaluing you, the regret you feel can only be 'dirty' pain. Aside from real, practical and financial considerations, 'losing' an abusive partner should be cause for celebration.
It isn't, because the abused partner starts to focus on his occasional good behaviours, in the same way that we in the UK still speak fondly of The Wonderful Summer Of 1976. (Summers since then have largely been disappointing, cold, grey, wet, but, hey, we know that a summer like that can come again, can't it?) That focus on the increasingly rare good times in the relationship is one way of stoking the fires of 'dirty' pain.
